Cinema Cardinal Sins

As a pretty major film geek I spend a dispropotionately large amount of time in large dark rooms with total strangers...yes, the cinema! Therefore I have pretty much seen the full range of human (mis)behaviour that goes on in this kind of environment, and I feel compelled to list the top things that REALLY grind my nerves when watching a film, in the vain hope perhaps that someone might read them, recognise their own misdeeds and feel shame, changing their ways and spreading the word so that cinemas all over the land will become havens in this increasingly fucked up world.

This may be a top 10 but it depends how many I can think of... to be honest it might end up being more!

1. People Talking - really no need for this. I'm not above the odd softly-whispered comment to my partner but some stunningly rude individuals think they can sit and talk at regular volume throughout a film. This is NOT cool. If I wanted the Director's Commentary I would be watching the DVD at home in my living room, where you should stay if you can't shut the fuck up.
2. Mobile Phones. Fortunately, most people seem to have got the memo that it's Not Cool to chat away on a mobile during a film. There have been a couple of exceptions to this I can think of - during X2 (X-Men 2, you know, the best one) a guy took a call on his mobile and had a 30 second conversation. 31 seconds and I'd have been grabbing the management to get him chucked out. How'd you like that mutant ability, dickhead? Another occasion I saw an Americanised Indian film called American Desi and several of the predominantly Indian audience were on their phones and receiving loud texts throughout. This seemed to be accepted so I let it fly.
   
   However, the issue now, in this day of iPhones with large bright screens, is people checking messages, texts, e-mails, tweets/twats/toots throughout a film, presumably because they have the attention span of a gnat. This is exceedingly annoying, because in a darkened room a bright light draws the eye and it's very distracting. Multiply that by several people and it's starting to really grind on me. If you are one of these people, keep your phone in your pocket until the film is over, or don't go to the cinema if you are surgically attached and can't leave it alone for 2 hours!
3. Annoying Laughs - enough said really I suppose, but I hate people who have an annoying laugh, or laugh inappropriately, or in a really over-the-top, phony-sounding way. Totally takes me out of the film and I want to kill them.
4. Overpriced Snacks - in terms of drinks, I don't think cinema's are that bad. I mean, a Large Coke is around £3.15 I think, and considering you would pay £2.50 for a pint of it at a pub, and the Large Coke is larger than a pint, I don't have a problem with it. Food at the cinema is a different matter though. It's way overpriced. Fortunately this issue isn't hard to overcome - buy it from Tescos beforehand and smuggle it in! That's right, I'm not too proud.
5. Smelly People - it's bad enough when you are stuck next to a stinker on the Tube, but if you're stuck next to them at the cinema you know you're going to be stuck with their stink for at least 1 1/2 hours. No real way to avoid this, just try and sit on the end and make your partner/friends sit next to you so you are not stuck with someone immediately next to you. If someone is determined to stink though, if they are in front or behind it still might get you. Just fucking wash you skank!
6. Kicking Backs of Seats - this does my head in. I don't know whether people do this accidentally or willfully but it's hugely annoying. Sometimes it's unavoidable if you shift in your seat and accidentally bump the seat in front, but persistent offenders should be removed from the cinema and shot in the face with a pump-action shotgun.
7. Chomping/Rustling - it mystifies me really why popcorn ever became the premier snack for cinema, since it's possibly one of the noisiest snackfoods ever known to man. People scratching around their jumbo bucket only to stuff another huge mouthful of expanded corn kernals into their gaping maw is hugely annoying. Plus most the time they don't even eat all of it and end up spilling most of it over the floor. How come candy floss never became the snack of choice? It's silent.
8. People in Scary Films who are Totally OTT - most people have experienced this, you go to see a scary film and some douche in the audience is totally ruining the whole experience because they are going totally OTT and screaming at everything. If you're that scared then go watch something else.
9. Uncomfortable Chairs - considering you spend the entire time in a cinema seated, you'd think the cinema would have comfortable chairs. Some of them don't even have a decent back to them so you can't sit up straight and are forced to slouch. Ever seen a Lord of the Rings film in a cinema with bad seating? It's hell on Middle Earth.
10. People Clapping - it does my head in when people clap at the end of a film. Like the director/actors/writers/DP/crew/teaboy can even hear you, you fucktacular douche-sticks. This tends to be mostly seen at big geek films, and really, geeks should know better.

I think that's just about got it covered. Despite the fact that going to the cinema can be an experience fraught with frustration and barely contained homicide, I still love going. And with Orange's great 2 for 1 deal which I take advantage of most weeks, there's no excuse. This week I will be mostly watching The Final Destination and hopefully also Funny People.